I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
