I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
