Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
