Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
