Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
