i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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