ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
