I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
