I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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