can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
