There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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