i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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