i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
