no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
