Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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