We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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