why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
