My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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