its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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