hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize