He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
