New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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