your thong is hanging out like whoa
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
