this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
