Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
