so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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