I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
