This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
