walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize