A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
