I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
