I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
