This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
