don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
