i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
