Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
