I feel great
I just peed on a car
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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