i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Be still, my beating vagina.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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