I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
