When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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