apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
