We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
