my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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