Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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