I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
