Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
