Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
