I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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