Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
