I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
