He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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