I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
