Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
