Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
