Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
