i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
