if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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